Ugh, Hosts.

Inviting someone to join you at your home for dinner is, for me, the quintessential display of friendship; its personal, intimate, perhaps a little vulnerable. To shelter and feed someone, that’s a wonderful thing. And like all good social interactions it comes with some important, pretty much non-negotiable, elements. Most importantly: the guest offers to bring something to share.

This is a token. It’s not to say the host is unable or unwilling to provide everything. It’s a gesture. And it doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult either. Guest asks “what should I bring?”, host says “oh, a bottle of red would be lovely, thanks.” See. Easy.

Unfortunately some people are just too polite. Now, this specific post relates to two of my very best friends, two lovely people. But they are both monsters in one specific way – they refuse to say what they want me to bring to dinner. When asked they say lovely, affirming things like “just bring yourself” or “oh, it’s fine, we have everything” both of which miss the point entirely. I don’t care if you have everything. I’m not bringing something out of fear you’re a poor planner or haven’t budgeted enough to properly feed and water me. No, I’m bringing it because that’s what I do!

So from now on I have chosen my revenge. Anyone who refuses to tell me what they want (a bottle of wine, something to enjoy with coffee, and so on) will receive a half eaten bag of Doritos and a bottle of Blue Nun.

Be warned. If you invite me for dinner, you bloody well better tell me what to bring. Consequences. All things have consequences.